Extracurriculars: the malnourishment of time-starved kids (a.k.a. Vending Machine Parenting)

I am the last person in the parental universe to preach about the use of the word "no" with kids. This is a well-established fact, especially in our own family circles. However, I have had a new experience that has brought me to understand how the word "NO" impacts the 3 primary jobs of a parent.

As I tell my girls about once a day, "There are 3 jobs of a mama (or daddy):

1. To keep her child safe and healthy

2. To love her child

3. To help her become independent

All activities of a parent, I'm pretty sure, fall into one of those 3 categories.

You'll notice that "love" comes second to the protection clause. I tell them that even IF a mama didn't love her children, the FIRST job of a mama is to keep her child safe and healthy.

But as I mature as a parent while our girls enter grade school, a new area of family life is coming into my radar screen of awareness.

THE OVERSCHEDULING OF CHILDREN, WITH PARENTS NOT ACTING AS A BACKSTOP.

"Backstop" is a bad word in these recent days of stock market disasters, but being a self-admitted Sports Idiot, I did not know that the word originated in the language of sports (baseball specifically): "a wall, wire screen, or the like, serving to prevent a ball from going too far beyond the normal playing area."

Ironic, because the observation that brings me to my soapbox harping about parents not saying "no" to overscheduling is directly related to sports.

And I'll be an equal-opportunity complainer: sports, ballet, band, music lessons, scouts, 4-H, whatever.

One of the other things I tell my kids is that parents "work" because that's OUR job (see parent responsibility #1...i.e., provide properly for your children).

The job of CHILDREN is to go to SCHOOL, LEARN, and PLAY.

Lately, I have found more and more parents seemingly unwilling to serve as a backstop between opportunities available for their children, and the commitment to protecting them to be able to reserve enough time in the week for school, and plain old DOWNTIME.

When kids are stimulated and structured to the point that they have no periods of boredom or freetime, there is no hunger to provoke IMAGINATION. They also develop high levels of cortisol (a stress response chemical). My mind instantly goes to the Gerschwin sequence for Rhapsody in Blue in Disney's Fantasia 2000: the child being dragged from one "enrichment" lesson to another, when all she dreams of is just being with her own parents.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I am guilty of mis-ordered priorities. For example, choosing sleep over food, or a shower instead of food, then eating chips and chocolate as a meal. While driving. So I know whereof I speak when I talk about malnourishment.

[I learned in my maternity leave that every mother may choose 2 of 3 options each day: cleanliness, food, or sleep. It is mostly impossible to pull off the hat trick of accomplishing all 3 in the same 24-hour period.]

I once visited my doctor after some fainting spells began to worry me I was at risk of stroke. When he heard how many hours I sleep, how much caffeine I was drinking, and how often I had eaten even one piece of fruit, he stopped and said, "There is no medicine or treatment that can replace basic concepts of decent living. When you sleep 8 hours and eat a banana, and stop counting on the coffee to run you, you won't need my help."

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However, last year, while a weekly volunteer at my daughter's school, I was asked suddenly to serve as a last-minute substitute teacher (for our school's only Spanish teacher). I dove in, and was so well received that the kids begged me to be available as a tutor for them. I rose to the occasion and began "home visits" with 7th and 8th grade students to assess their difficulties with foreign language and to see what I could to do help.

Quickly I discovered what I'll bet every teacher already knows.

I'd hazard a guess that 75% of student grade difficulties rest NOT with learning disabilities but in classroom behavior, or the under-prioritization (is that a word?) of after school and evening time. (Teachers in my family, please weigh in and let me know if this seems to ring true for you).

The reason American children are allowed to leave school so "early" compared to kids in Japan, Germany, and other nations where education is more consistently supported, is because of (I believe) a tacit understanding that those afternoons and evenings would be committed to doing homework, studying, and preparing to absorb the mass of daily information poured into a child.

Then we get into the word "extra-curricular." Outside the curriculum. Extra, as if school had already been taken care of as the primary responsibility.

It took me just 3 visits with my tutoring students to discover that their abilities (in most cases) were not impaired. They were starving for time. Malnourished on a diet of extracurricular activity that literally preempted nightly hours for the natural time it would take for a 12-year-old child to digest and commit to memory the fundamentals of a foreign language, concepts of math, or geography and history of the world.

When kids are booked so solid that they are away from home 3-5 nights a week (and weekends too) at this "game" or that "practice" or that "youth event" or "such-and-so-meeting," how can they possibly cram their "real job" into the leftover time? How can parents expect "good grades" out of one side of their mouth, then get in the car and yell "let's go" out of the other?

What happens? You get CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE WHILE DRIVING. This is what's happening to our children. (I'm meaning this figuratively, but I know of cases where it's even literally happening. Snacking in the car en route from one event to another, racing to get from point A to point B. All so Johnny or Jane can be a star athlete, ballerina, or whatever at the age of 12.)

When learning is treated as a thing you "stuff in your brain" at the last minute because your parents didn't leave you enough time to absorb it properly, whose fault is this?

Who is the backstop???? There is no tutor, no matter how great an educator, no matter how well-meaning, who can magically fix in a one-hour session what has been siphoned away from that child over the course of week after week of extracurricular activity.

This is VENDING MACHINE PARENTING. It's got to stop.

Parents, I'm begging you. If you really love your kids, JUST SAY NO. Stay home more often. Drive around less. Say no to more activities yourself so that YOU can be home more often. Or at least together with no schedule. Let yourself have time to get the basics done, or God forbid, even get bored a little bit.

Strike Kids: the Bell Telephone Strike, 25 years later

At a recent high school reunion party with my best friend, I was telling her about my kindergartener's school selling craft beads to benefit Catholic charities, and how I armed her with a $5 bill to buy as many as she could "because those were the people who fed mommy when our family was hungry during a strike at MY mommy's job when I was little."
(700,000 communications workers --including those with Bell Telephone where my mom had worked for decades-- went on strike in 1983, when I was 15 years old).

My best friend's jaw dropped when she heard this, as we had been inseparable since we were 6 years old, and she had never known we'd gone hungry for even so much as a day. Given that she was from a generous Italian family, there would have been no shortage of food to go around if I hadn't been so ashamed or scared.

I realized today that the strike took place 25 years ago, and that all of us "strike kids" are now in our 30's and early 40's. My experiences at that time shaped my whole outlook, my politics, my faith.

I established a website to collect the accounts of all those other parents and children, for a book I'm writing about the experience. If you or anyone you know was affected by that strike, please visit www.bellstrike83.com and tell me what you remember.

I've Demoted My Cell Phone

Children and animals really can't stand it when you clearly give your attention to something besides them. Cats are fascinated by humans' bewildering behavior of staring at newsprint, to the point that they want to place themselves in the middle of such attention and climb right in the middle of your funny papers, editorial, or classifieds...until you return your attention to its rightful place. On them.

Over the course of the past year, I have wasted too many moments fighting a truth of the ages: CHILDREN HATE IT WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR ATTENTION AWAY TO TALK ON THE PHONE. They will do anything to help you get your priorities straight...i.e., get off the phone.

This is all payback, I'm fully aware. Vivid memories of my brother and me, performing everything from the P.T. Barnum circus to WWF within eyesight/earshot of our mother while attempting to communicate with another adult on the phone. I cannot recall if it was intentional, but the outcome was exactly what I have relived myself as a mother now.
Absolute rage and frustration. Usually tears (hers, ours) and eventual remorse (hers...ours?).

I have tried distraction (short-term success), I have tried flight (sneaking to my room to make a phone call during an episode of Caillou). Bribes, threats, indifference, rage.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. It took me a year to recognize this one.

Mostly, the interruptions happen as a result of my failure to be all things to all people at all times. In other words, available to work at the same time I am supposed to be available to my children.
This is the great lie of our mother's generation, that "working women" (or dads) could "work from home." There is no such thing. You are either working for your children, or working for your office. There is NO WAY to successfully do both at the same time. You're cheating one side or both at all times.

One day, after a particularing frustrating recurrence, I flashed back to an image of a mother I'd seen often at my children's former preschool. A corporate mom, whom I'd never seen without a cell phone glued to her ear. No matter whether she was driving, bringing her children, picking them up, I rarely saw her make eye contact with her own family or passersby. The cell phone was obviously the highest priority. I judged her. I viewed her with disdain, even contempt. Vowed never to become her.

And there I was, shrieking at my children in our living room, berating them for the failure to be silent again while mommy appeared to jabber on and on with an invisible person.
It occurred to me at last that I was telling "no" to the wrong person (or thing).

It was time to demote the cell phone. Time to declare where I am in time and space and commit to that, even if only briefly. Sometimes, I need to be off limits and out of reach in order to be present and fully available to those I am with. Be it those sharing the highway with me, or those sharing play doh with me.

So, if you get voicemail the next time you call, be sure I'll call back as soon as I'm actually available to you 100%.

Mama's New Favorite Restaurant: Pasta Bowl (St. Peters)

Given my hectic life these days of work, kids, kids’ activities & school, etc, it takes something special for me to make an effort to single something out. Today I’m going out of my way to make an effort to do so after a great dining experience in St. Peters at Pasta Bowl – Italian Mix on Mid Rivers Mall Drive.

Pasta Bowl
318 D Mid Rivers Mall Dr.
St. Peters, MO 63376
636-278-ToGo (8646)

While visiting family in the St. Charles area (brought the kids to stay at Uncle Jay’s in New Town), the whole clan went out for Sunday lunch. We followed Jay’s recommendation to try Pasta Bowl, just past the mall itself, right in front of St. Peters Elementary School.

Situated in a very busy location of town, it might be easy to miss. We’d been told that it was as fast as a Fazoli’s, but the food quality was much better and the environment was much more pleasant.
Immediately, I was struck by the attention to design; the warm yellow/gold tones of the interior design balanced by black wood and glass accents gave the dining room a refined but modern and comfortable/casual feel. Very inviting, clean, and visually beautiful.
A variety of booths or tables gave our family nice options for making all generations happy (our group ranged from preschoolers to grandparents).

Service was outstanding; we were personally greeted immediately. Our server Becky was professional and sincere, and gave us a level of attention we would expect at a more formal Italian restaurant. As a mother, my eyes move first to check whether there’s a kids’ menu. (I have notoriously picky eaters). Yay! They’ve got the classics; mac and cheese, spaghetti, and grilled cheese among the top options. We did order the grilled cheese, and whatever bread they use is AWESOME. Probably the most delicious grilled cheese I’ve come across in a long time (yes of course Mommy ends up with taking bites).
Prices were very reasonable too.

I enjoyed being able to peek beyond the counter to watch the kitchen in action. As I overheard the chef describing to another mom how a particular dish was prepared, it was obvious that this was more than the average “chain restaurant staffed by high-schoolers”….they obviously took great care in their creations and in their patrons’ experience.

I ordered (and LOVED) my Pizza Margherita. Was a little jealous when I saw my husband’s entrée arrive (they have penne rustica??!) but knew I’d have something great to try next time we visit. Watched my 3-year-old devour nearly a full bowl of spaghetti. So, everybody was happy. DELICIOUS!!

Even the bathrooms were lovely! Beautiful décor extended there as well, including luxury foam soap. For a mother, tip-top clean restrooms put a place on the “keeper” list for return visits with our kids. That's the moment I decided to write the review!

We had a genuinely enjoyable time, were well-fed and well-cared for. Definitely worth going a little out of your way if necessary, while out and about for your holiday shopping or family visiting.